When you say no, do you?…
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Say no, then give in after a long battle?
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Shout "no you can’t" from another room and hope for the best?
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Say no, oh well maybe this time only, but next time?
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Say no about 15 times, apocalyptic threats, then shout?
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Say no, and mean it?
For such a short word, ‘no’ can mean surprisingly different things to your child – from immediate obedience (!?) a short grumble and argument, to a full on battle… Do we actually mean what we say?
But the reality is that most children don't respond to requests immediately. That is normal so try not to get too exasperated!
On our online Parenting Matters programme we recommend parents count the number of commands or instructions they give over half an hour with their children. You may not be surprised that the average parent gives almost 20 commands in 30 minutes, and as many as 40 for strong willed children. No wonder we get tuned out as ‘background noise’!
I am embarrassed to say that one of my son’s first phrases, aged one, was ‘No, no, no!’
Perhaps they are being rewarded for demands for sweets at the checkout, when the initial ‘no’ becomes a yes. They will almost certainly be more persistent next time, and like spoilt Verruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it can escalate to ‘Daddy, I WANT another pony!’
Or we try and avoid a battle by giving in or by getting into negotiations, but the message the children pick up is that there are many different versions of ‘no’ and its worth their while pursuing this one to find out which one they are going to get! On our programme, parents practice giving clear and effective requests which their child is more likely to follow through.
When it comes to discipline, parents can be undisciplined; trying to keep the peace at all costs, trying to stay ‘friends’ with their children at all times, or giving misleading messages as role models by shouting at their child ‘Don’t shout back at me!!’ Keep your voice calm, they will cooperate and listen better.
Tips to make your ‘no’ more effective
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Get eye contact and speak in a low calm voice.
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Only say no to only the things you are prepared to follow through with, so you say no less often.
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Check you have been heard and give them time to respond.
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If they still don’t respond, give them a limited choice such as ‘you can do it now, or when the rest of us are watching TV'. Or think of a mild related consequence if they don’t so they know you mean it next time.
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Be prepared for some testing of the limits when you first teach them that you really do mean no, use the ‘Scratched Record Approach’. Stay calm and simply repeat ‘No… you can’t do…But you can do that, but you can do this ….’
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Show your appreciation when they do as asked (helpful if you want them to comply next time!)
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Have a favourite phrase when following through with a 'No'. This might be 'the answer's not going to change'. So when your child whines for a biscuit immediately before dinner you feel comfortable being consistent, and they learn that the answer is not going to change. Or give yourself a moment to think first and say something like 'Let me think about it'.
If you say no a lot, try to say no less often, so they hear you when you say it. Don't forget, children are supposed to be defiant. It is part of their job description - to push the boundaries - and part of yours is to be able to say no and mean it.
